Vienna at the turn of the century - memories of Freud. Plucked from the Vienna School For Wayward Children ( where we were forced to learn complex choral arrangements and how to stuff tiny weenies into small cans) by the esteemed Neurologist and Psychiatrist, I was to become an intregal cog in the development of Freud's theory of psychoanalysis. I became Dr. Freud's guinea pig and at times, whipping boy. At this time, the "Talking Cure" as it was initially referred to, was a quite new and bold experiment. Upon entering his office for the first time, I was told to lay down on his couch. As I did so, he turned to me and said, "No, with you - face down." For the first few sessions I told the doctor of my reoccurring dream of being viciously shampooed by an alter boy named "Toots" while his golden retriever stood on it's hind legs and sang "Sweet Betsy From Pike." He claimed it was all very Oedipal, and that I was the only male patient he'd worked with that suffered from penis envy. I was then forced to take copious amounts of cocaine with the good doctor and perform ( nude, wearing only oven mittens) the last act of Ibsen's "A Doll's House" with finger puppets and a clothing dummy. I found the procedure humiliating and inane, but Freud became visibly aroused. For the next 2 weeks, no matter what I said, Freud's response was always a sarcastic, "yeah, right ,dickwad." It was around this time that Carl Jung broke all ties with Freud due to the fact that the doctor kept calling him "Puddin'" and intentionally used a hard "J" when pronouncing his last name